how can i be so sad and him not be affected at all. If he really loved me how is he managing to move on with life without me while im breaking down randomy throughout the day, i dont even know why because he doesnt do what i need for me to be satisfied when it comes to anything really. A lot of shit he did and said made me pretty unhappy when i think about it, sometimes id leave his house after he fell asleep n just feel so fuckin down id drive around for an hour n get a milkshake or some sort of unhealthy snack…ccause i wanted to feel good even if it was just for a little..becuse i felt so shitty there. i love him to death i really fucking do i care about anuything that comes out of that kids mouth and i absolutely love how much he adores his mother that was the one thing ive always noticed and liked. I was so sure he would treat me good and we woul be the perfect couple. But it was me doing everything, he never showed me he loved me, we never went on dates really. not that i even cared about that i just wanted to feel special.. even on my birthday he had every exscuse in the book, like if its too hard for u to have a card for ur gf on her birthday then u are the one with the problems. Even on my day he managed to make me feel small. Still i love him, i would of done anything for him, in fact i did, anything he said pretty much whenever he wanted. I was way too much of a pushover, but i did it all because i loved him n i wanted him to be happy. U would think ur bf would get pleasure out of pleasing you sexually..but not mine, i can count on one hand how many times he went down on me.. because HE doesnt like it. i hadnt sucked a dick in my life n there i was catering to his whenever he wanted literlly which was pretty much daily. I dont understand why he didnt wanna do these things for me, did he not love me? why would he not want to even try to make me feel good ina sexual way, like i wasnt even getting sex out of the deal i mean we would have sex but he never cared if i went. What if i just stopped n he hadnt gone yet, would that be ok?….ugh just simple normal things that a person should just know to do he doesnt care, he doesnt care about my feelings. I would make him a whole dinner n he would blow me off to go smoke w nash. he didnt appreciate anything i did for him i dont thnk, ive never felt so low about myself. Am i not worthy enough for u to make me feel special? to ever surprise me with anythign?to do anythin out of the blue nice? to rub me? to do fucking ANYTHING no card on birthday on valentines day it was shit too he makes no effort n typing this out is just reminding me of all the reasons i dont want to be with him. But that doesnt change the fact that i fucking love him to death, why else would i put up with all that, Now that im out of it i dont think i could put myself back in onnly to get crushed again, this has hapened so many times, hes made me cry way too many times. Ugh i still worry about him though, wondering if hes at all sad or if hes okay, whos gonna rub his back till he falls asleep, as much as i complained i woulda done that till the die i died if we could of just worked out together. whos gonna order a whole piza with him and devour it in 10 minutes… ok not the best thing for ur body lol but i dunno i miss having fun with him, i miss the good times. I wish he loved me more, its not meant to be and it fuckin hurts like hell. it makes me never wanna be in a relationship again. this is my first big breakup i mean ive been sad over other guys before but this is billy… ivve known him forever , hes not usupose to go away he waa supose to be the one that was there forever, i was sure of it. Now i have guys texting me and its like i dont even want to try with anyone else cause its so hard for me to actually like someone..n want to be with him, with billy it took years n then i just fell head first n ive been in love with him every since. But i think slowly now ill fall out of love, without speakin or seeing him or feeling him :( i miss everything about him, i loved the way he looked, i made fun of him when i was angry but there isnt one thing i would change about hiim, hes so comfy and cuddly and id much rather be in his bed then mine, i just wanted him to be faithhful n honest n nice to me n be there for me n act like a good bf should n he couldnt so now its all crashing down. anyways this is my rant, i cant do anything about it but sit here in my own sadness until this passes, whenever that may be..
